Things that make you go hmmmm...

1. Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon. - Susan Ertz -
2. Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. - Woody Allen -
3. A woman talks to one man, looks at a second, and thinks of a third. - Bhartrihari -
4. Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. - Mark Twain -
5. Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow. - Jeff Valdez -
6. Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you. - Missy Dizick -
7. If a cat spoke, it would say things like "Hey, I don't see the problem here.". - Roy Blount -
8. The trouble with loving is that pets don't last long enough and people last too long. - Unknown -
9. The more one understands humans, the more one appreciates the dog. - Unknown -
10. We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition. - Alex Comfort -
11. Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other. - Rene Yasenek -
12. Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried. - Mae West -
13. Last night I discovered a new form of oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said no. - Woody Allen -
14. I told my girlfriend that unless she expressed her feelings and told me what she liked I wouldn't be able to please her, so she said, "Get off me.". - Garry Shandling -
15. I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know. - Garry Shandling -
16. My wife was in labor with our first child for thirty-two hours and I was faithful to her the whole time. - Jonathan Katz -
17. I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial. - Joan Rivers -
18. I'd like to have a girl, and I'm saving my money so I can get a good one. - Bob Nickman -
19. Brains are an asset, if you hide them. - Mae West -
20. Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. - Arthur Baer -
21. I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home. - Robert Orben -
22. What is more enchanting than the voices of young people when you can't hear what they say? - Logan Pearsall Smith -
23. What is youth except a man or woman before it is fit to be seen? - Evelyn Waugh -
24. I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak out behind the barn and do nothing. - Johnny Carson -
25. My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. - Emo Philips -
26. I almost got a girl pregnant in high school. It's costing me a fortune to keep the rabbit on a life-support system. - Will Shriner -
27. I don't like to take naps because when you wake up you get that shock of who you are and I don't like to face that more than once a day. - Charles Grodin in The Lonely Guy -
28. It's no disgrace to be poor, but it might as well be. - Jim Grue -
29. My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy. - Richard Lewis -
30. I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and fatty foods. He was perfectly healthy right up to the time he killed himself. - Johnny Carson -
31. Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows. - David Wolf -
32. I was going to buy myself a copy of The Power Of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do me?. - Ronnie Shakes -
33. I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy. - J. D. Salinger -
34. There are very few people who don't become more interesting when they stop talking. - Mary Lowry -
35. Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. - Mark Twain -
36. The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. - George Miller -
37. The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard to deal with: sudden death. - Michael Phelps, MD -
38. Be true to your teeth or your teeth will be false to you. - Dental proverb -
39. Never mistake endurance for hospitality. - Unknown -
40. Nothing spoils a good party like a genius. - Elsa Maxwell -
41. Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough. - Mark Twain -
42. There is no law against composing music when one has no ideas whatsoever. The music of Wagner, therefore, is perfectly legal. - The National, Paris, 1850-
43. Wagner drives the nail into your head with swinging hammer blows. - P. A. Fiorentino -
44. The prelude to Tristan and Isolde reminds me of the Italian painting of the martyr whose intestines are slowly being unwound from his body on a reel. - Eduard Hanslick -
45. A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't. - Unknown -
46. Assassins! - Arturo Toscanini to his orchestra -
47. Anybody who has listened to certain kinds of music, or read certain kinds of poetry, or heard certain kinds of performances on the concertina, will admit that even suicide has its brighter aspects. - Stephen Leacock -
48. Music is essentially useless, as life is. - George Santayana -
49. Try to hate your opponent. Even if you are playing your grandmother, try to beat her fifty to nothing. If she already has three, try to beat her fifty to three. - Danny McGoorty, billiard player -
50. Stuffed deer heads on the wall are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers and ornaments in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. - Ellen DeGeneris -
51. Two farmers each claimed to own a certain cow. While one pulled on its head and the other on its tail, the cow was milked by a lawyer. - Jewish proverb -
52. One of the first things school children in Texas learn is how to compose a simple declarative sentence without the word shit in it.. - Unknown -
53. Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything. - Charles Kuralt -
54. Life is extinct on other planets because their scientists were more advanced than ours. - Unknown -
55. Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it. - Max Frisch -
56. Men have become the tools of their tools. - Henry David Thoreau -
57. I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. - Mark Twain -
58. A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. - Michael Winner, British film director -
59. Clark Gable's ears make him look like a taxicab with the doors open. - Howard Hughes -
60. The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough. - Bill Maher -
61. Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. - Will Rogers -
62. Conservatives are satisfied with the present evils; liberals want to replace them with new ones. - Unknown -
63. Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. - George Burns -
64. Anyone under thirty who is not a democrat is a cynic. Anyone who is over thirty and is not a republican is a fool. - Mark Twain -
65. Calvin Coolidge didn't say much, and when he did he didn't say much. - Will Rogers -
66. Very few things happen at the right time and the rest don't happen at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects. - Herodontus -
67. History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. - Winston Churchill -
68. Originality is the art of concealing your sources. - Unknown -
69. All critics ever do is come down from the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded. - Unknown -
70. Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. - T. S. Eliot -
71. Biography lends to death a new terror. - Oscar Wilde -
72. Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little. - Gore Vidal -
73. The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him. - Russell Baker -
74. A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled. - Sir Barnett Cocks -
75. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies. - E. B. White -
76. Only dead fish swim with the stream. - Unknown -
77. One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged. - Heinrich Heine -
78. It's not what we don't know that hurts us, it's what we know that ain't so. - Will Rogers -
79. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. - Mark Twain -
80. Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon Bonaparte -
81. In biblical times, a man could have as many wives as he could afford. Just like today. - Abigail Van Buren -
82. Mediocre composers borrow. Great composers steal. - Igor Stravinsky -
83. God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. - Paul Valery -
84. Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? - Jules Feiffer -
85. We're all God's little animated cartoons. - Tom Hanks in Punchline -
86. I was the best I ever had. - Woody Allen -
87. Sex is dirty only when it's done right. - Woody Allen -
88. Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. - Oscar Wilde -
89. It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. - Benjamin Disraeli -
90. Only the little people pay taxes. - Leona Helmsley before she was sent to jail for tax evasion -
91. She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. - Tommy Manville -
92. I can't mate in captivity. - Gloria Steinem on why she never married -
93. You don't know anything about a woman until you meet her in court. - Norman Mailer -
94. My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend. - Rodney Dangerfield -
95. Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth. It begins when the last kid leaves home and the dog dies. - Unknown -
96. Never raise your hand to your children. It leaves your midsection unprotected. - Robert Orben -
97. University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. - Henry Kissenger -
98. I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - Woody Allen -
99. The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober. - William Butler Yeats -
100. I am a deeply superficial person. - Andy Warhol -
101. She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. - Mae West -
102. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin -
103. I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother. - Artemus Ward -
104. I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. - Jack Benny -
105. It is not true that life is one damn thing after another. It is one damn thing over and over. - Edna St. Vincent Millay -
106. In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock. - Orson Welles in The Third Man -
107. I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.. - Steven Wright -
108. A person who publishes a book appears willfully in public with his pants down. - Edna St. Vincent Millay -
109. Manuscript: Something submitted in haste and returned at leisure. - Oliver Herford -
110. The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers. - Thomas Jefferson -
111. Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. - Flannery O'Conner -
112. Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs. - Christopher Hampton -
113. A poem is never finished, only abandoned. - Paul Valery -
114. Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. - Igor Stravinsky -
115. No statue has ever been put up to a critic. - Jean Sibelius -
116. A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car. - Kenneth Tynan -
117. The dead actor requested in his will that his body be cremated and ten percent of his ashes thrown in his agent's face. - Unknown -
118. America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its tail it knocks over a chair. - Arnold Toynbee -
119. The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him. - Jim Samuels -
120. Here's to love on my terms which, after all, are the only terms anybody knows. - Orson Welles in Citizen Kane -
121. Dyslexics of the world, untie! - Unknown -
122. Jesus is coming. Look busy. - Bumper sticker -
123. Get busy. Remember that even a mosquito doesn't get a pat on the back until he starts working. - Unknown -
124. After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." - Ronnie Shakes -
125. It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried. - Winston Churchill -
126. Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. - George Orwell -
127. He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet. - Fred Allen -
128. Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea. - John Ciardi -
129. Friends come and go but enemies accumulate. - Thomas Jones -
130. It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. - William Blake -
131. Computers are useless. All they give you is answers. - Pablo Picasso -
132. Gray hair is God's graffiti. - Bill Cosby -
133. When the Lord puts His hand on a man's shoulder, I take mine off. - Thomas Jefferson -
134. Music is more than melody, rhythm, and harmony; it's music. - Guisseppe Verdi
135. Justice is said to be an attribute of the divine: missing that, we count one thing noblest,-and that is soul. - General Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain -
136. Know your own bone; gnaw at it; bury it; unearth it; and gnaw it still. - Henry David Thoreau -
137. I have a great diet.  You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone -
138. Bigamy is having one wife too many.   Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde -
139. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. - Dave Barry -
140. Suppose you were an idiot...  And suppose you were a member of Congress ...But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain -
141. Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. - A. Whitney Brown -
142. Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. - Jim Carrey -
143. Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery -
144. Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? - Lily Tomlin -
145. Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. - Jerry Seinfeld -
146. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. - Steven Wright -
147. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. - Steven Wright -
148. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? - Steven Wright -
149. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? - Steven Wright -
150. Everyone is always complaining about the weather, but no one ever does anything about it." - Mark Twain

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