Record Bios

by b.c.

(all quite tongue-in-cheek)


Mr. Carrothers was born on July 13, 1964 in Danzig of what used to be called East Prussia. He attended military school in Leipzig but was expelled because of what one instructor termed "excessive fondling of his genitalia." This habit naturally led to a love of jazz piano. He practiced diligently for many years but gradually grew more and more despondent when he realized that playing the piano required two hands. So he set out to be the first and only one-handed jazz pianist in history. This, he felt, would at least leave him with one hand to pursue his first love.


Bill Carrothers is a prick, there's no question about that. But it's this qualitative social angst in the negative sphere that is the essence of his music. Call it the noble savage, if you will. Before I digress, however, let's go back to the beginning. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. Mr. Carrothers was overheard to say, "How the hell can I follow an act like that?" He grew bitter and took to chasing squirrels in the park. Eventually, he became one.


Mr. Carrothers was born in 1964 in Sardinia, off the coast of Italy. His father was a mob boss and sometime zither player. When Bill was twelve he was beaten severely by his father with a zither and then given it to play. Bill shunned the zither however and took instead to the piano. At the tender age of fifteen, Bill left home. He swam the Mediterranean and then crossed the Atlantic Ocean grasping on to a rye crisp for flotation. At age eighteen he finally entered New York Harbor. He currently resides in the East River at the base of the Brooklyn Bridge.


To tell the story of Bill Carrothers one must first define Bill Carrothers. And how do we define Bill Carrothers? By discussing his artistic ambiance; by comparing and contrasting his outward (plastic) soul and his inner (tortured) soul. To do this, one must delve into themselves and find their inner child and embrace it, caress it, become it. Because, you see, knowing (that is to say knowability) and the states of your state relate to the knowing aspects of his state. Procedurally, this is only possible with dialectic inbound relativity in the qualitative sphere. Theoretically, however, the problem of defining Bill Carrothers is made somewhat easier through what I like to call "Systemic Relational Positioning."Systemic Relational Positioning consists of telling oneself over and over, "I am Bill Carrothers. I am a jazz musician. I am poor and white and have no chance. I entertain wild and violent fantasies where everyone dies, including me. I love baseball. People are o.k. but animals are better. Everyone seems like a foreign country to me." That is the systemic portion of the process; defining a system that spins through all else, like a web, a pulse. The relational portion of the defining process is one in which you relate everything in your life to Bill Carrothers. For instance, "My dog just shit on the carpet! What would Bill Carrothers do?" Or, "Should I keep the condo on Fifth Ave. and sell the house in the Hamptons or should I sell them both and buy that lovely beach house on the Cape? I wonder what Bill Carrothers thinks?" In the relational process nothing is too small for analysis. "I wonder if Bill clips his toenails like this," or "Does Bill find this movie amusing?...I wonder," are all valid in this phase of the process. It is a bridge, really, that helps to coordinate the questions with the questionable. The positioning aspect is the third (and perhaps the easiest to understand) of the three phases. It consists of placing yourself briefly in the mind set of a critic, club owner or record executive and then puckering up your lips and pressing them firmly against Mr. Carrothers' buttocks. It is the perfect positioning for a full understanding of Bill Carrothers, his music, and his artistic psyche.


What can I tell you about me that hasn't already been written on the tablets of immortality? I could tell you that many people come to me for answers, insight, perspective. I could mention that my insights are not always just correct, they often times cut through and clarify what others are thinking even before they think it. It could be pointed out that I have an almost uncanny ability to say and do and play exactly the right thing all the time and in every situation. I am, of course, brilliant and funny and sexy almost to the point of revulsion yet always seem to maintain that perfect balance between Albert Schweitzer, Cary Grant, and Mark Twain. I would be remiss if I failed to mention that I am imbued with some kind of greatness beyond that of mere man; artist, poet, philosopher, musician, warrior, scientist, visionary. I could even suggest that it's clear who I really am. I am a God. I am Bill Carrothers. I hope you like my record.


We at Just In Time Records are proud to present the debut disc "You Make Me Feel So Young" by the pianist Bill Carrothers. It's been a long time coming for this ninety-three year old pianist from Minneapolis, MN. We first discovered Bill in 1992 in his house in New York City where he was playing the piano five nights a week. His roommates would crowd around the piano while he mesmerized them with a ballad or an up-tempo swinger. It was clear to us then that this young man had quite a future ahead of him. Unfortunately, our release schedule was unavoidably long and frankly we wanted to see if this promising talent was for real. We lost track of Bill in late 1993 and regretted not having signed him when we had the chance. Much later we found out along the grapevine that Bill had been pursuing a very successful playing career in Minneapolis. We said to ourselves then that if we could ever locate him, we would be idiots not to sign him on the spot. Well, loyal jazz fans, we finally located Bill Carrothers and signed him to a three record deal. Sadly, Mr. Carrothers had a stroke last summer and has lost most of the use of his upper body. He showed the courage of a true artist though and decided to record anyway. Listen to the disc and I think you'll agree, this guy could really play at one time. Enjoy!


Thor find Bill. Like playing. Thor sign Bill to big deal for big money. Bill play good, like stardom. Big concert in cave. Bill step out on break for smoke. Bill killed by dinosaur.

Return to the Playhouse