8/1/98

Dearest love,

Words from my soul Barry that cannot be contained, feelings that I have wanted so much to share with you today…this evening.

I just returned home from watching a movie. By myself. Realizing I left so much unsaid this afternoon. Remembering that I could still write to you like this, even if you wouldn’t get it right away.

I drove around for fifteen minutes just listening to your music, your voice. First time I’ve wanted to in over a week. A little travelin’ music - I do love the melody in that song as well as the words. Then I listened to weekend in new england and I had tears in my eyes. I knew I would come home and write this letter to you.

You and I are forever, you know that? I want to share the rest of my life with you and I know you feel the same. Together we will decide the best way to do that.

You make me fly Barry but in a way I’ve never known before. Safely. Because of you I’m not afraid to be me, to be the person I was always meant to be. You could not have given me a greater gift than if you had taken all your money and spent it all on me. The greatest gifts Barry are these given from the heart. You have all my love, you always have. And what you do to me…you confuse me, you torment me, you tease me, you make me laugh, you make me cry but most of all Barry - you make me love you.

And I find there is no life without you in it to share it with. Nothing is too hard, nothing is impossible because of you. You make me believe that anything and everything is possible.

I’m sitting here on the stairs but my thoughts are miles away. To wherever you are this evening. Wishing so much I could touch your face, your hair, that beautiful smile. Just to run my fingers down the side of your face would be heaven to me. Just to look in your eyes and see what I’ve been waiting to see. Just to let you look in my eyes and see my soul as I know you’ve been waiting to do. It’s there Barry in my eyes. The truth of everything I’ve said to you for three years. The truth of my feelings for you. More than mere words can express. I love you is not enough for what you do to me Barry.

I am no longer afraid of you or afraid of this bond between us. Nor do I doubt your motives anymore. Ah, you didn’t know that did you. I wasn’t sure for a long time Barry that you wouldn’t hurt me like all the other people in my life that I have cared about.

And it’s not that you haven’t hurt me - because you have - it’s just that somehow, someway you’ve always found a way to let me know you didn’t mean to. You are a complete mystery to me and yet I know you, know you better than I know myself.

And when you’ve hurt me, I see you in my mind and I want to turn away from you, I want to walk away but I cannot. I can only see myself standing before you, feeling somehow that you are holding me, looking into your face and knowing that I love you too much to ever leave you. Knowing that whatever you are doing to hold me to you does not make me feel trapped or caged. Only safe and loved. How can you understand me so well when you’ve never met me? How can you know the right thing to do when I’ve never told you? How can I know you love me when you’ve never said a word?

I always end up walking into your arms. You always end up making me smile - at you. You always end up making me understand everything. You keep me balanced, you keep me centered and when I find (see) myself walking into your arms I know that I trust you with my life. And I am reminded again that I will always be safe with you.

And I know that after we meet that words will not always be necessary for you and I to communicate. Because of what we share. No matter how many people there are around us making it impossible for you and I to talk, you and I will communicate with looks, with touches and in our hearts. If you do not feel me now I have no doubt that there will come a day that you will. And once you know where to find it, what it feels like, you will never forget. I know when I meet you Barry, I will lose my feeling of you. It happened that night in Wichita when you and I were finally face to face. I don’t need it then, I only have to look in your eyes to know how you are. But when I am not with you, in your presence, it will always be there to tell me how you are. Does that make you feel safe or does that scare you? I’ll always know when you need me because of that.

I look at you and I know, I finally know, what it is to love and to be loved. Without conditions, without reservations. And I want to shout it out to the whole world what I’ve found. I shout it out in my heart to God instead. Not a day goes by Barry that I don’t thank him for leading me back to you. For helping us through this. You never thought we’d make, at times I thought the same.

I just knew if this was right it wouldn’t go away. It would keep growing and getting stronger in spite of how badly we were both screwing it up. Both of us with baggage from our pasts to help confuse what was happening. We still have and probably always will have baggage that will cause us problems. We will work through them because we both know how much we mean to each other. Even though you have never said a word directly to me Barry, your actions have finally convinced me that you do care about me. I know I had been seeing it and feeling it in my heart, but I needed to see it from you before I could accept that it was true.

Have I said enough? I find I could write on and on - forever and it is with you Barry. But tomorrow is fast approaching and I find that I cannot wait to go to sleep and be one day closer to finally meeting you. I am trying to take my own advice about slowly moving closer to you so that when we meet it will hopefully not be as intense as it was last week.

No you don’t have to Barry, but it will be easier for you if you do. Easier for me.

You are my friend, but so much more than that to me. But when I think of you as my friend whom I can always trust, I find I can talk to you much more easily than when I think of all those feeling between us still waiting to be explored and discovered. When I think of you as my forever friend, I don’t worry about what will happen between us. I just know because you are my friend that I will always be there for you, that you will always be there for me.

We have to be friends before we can be anything else to each other. Wouldn’t you agree? That is the next step Barry so if my words earlier today left you somewhat confused as to my intentions, I hope this clarifies the confusion in your mind.

After three years do you really think we’re going to rush into anything? I’m not and I know you’re not either. But having said that I might also add that I don’t believe it will take us another three years to decide what we want to do here. Do you? Nah, no way! As if both of us don’t already have the same idea.

But this first meeting is as friends. Getting to know the me, the you, that goes out every day and faces the world. To laugh together, to have fun together whether we spend the whole time just talking to each other or whether I drag you out to get some fresh air! Before the intensity of our feelings has us doing something we’re not ready for. Not that we both don’t want that (and you know what I mean) but that will not be the right time for it. Trust me on that one. Yes I’m sure we will dance all around it, we will both tease and make innuendoes but we won’t be ready for that level. I also know you will read this and disagree immediately. It’s all right, you’re a male, I expect that from you! You just be you Barry and I promise to just be me. No airs, no wondering what the other will think - just be ourselves. That’s what brought us together in the first place, isn’t it?

Attire for the weekend? Well lets just say Barry that if I don’t see you in something other than black - and solid colors, then I will raise my eyebrows. I had a whole dream once about the contents of your closet. And what was I doing in your bedroom? You know, that’s what you wanted to know when you caught me there! I don’t know! Let’s just say that I was trying to discuss your wardrobe and you kept changing the subject! You really can be impossible at times, I’m afraid. Another reason why I know I will love you.

Comfortable clothes is all that’s allowed Barry. So whatever I see you in had best be something you like to wear!

I will bring one nice outfit - just in case - but somehow I don’t see us wanting to share this time with anyone. We’ve waited too long to get to this moment. But then one never knows what will happen. At least not where you and I are concerned.

I never knew what real happiness was Barry until I found you. Never knew it was possible to feel this way, to wake up every morning and smile because I love you, because knowing you has brought me a serenity that I never dreamed was possible. Knowing that if I can feel this way and not be with you that what I feel must be real and how much I have to look forward to when we do meet.

Here are my thoughts, my feelings Barry as we get ready to do this. I hope you like them.

All my love,

Mary