Act One
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Follow along with that madcap Buddy. It's fun!
(In a dressing room for the band)
BR-
You think I'm runnin' fifteen fuckin'...Close that door. (musician
slams door) What kind of playing is being played
here the past two nights? What is this? New phrasing, new
bending, new sounds, no time! What the fuck do you think I'm
running here? What kind of playing do you call this? What kinda
shit is going on in the fuckin'...(turns to the bass player)
What kinda, what kinda setting do you got on the bass tonight?
Bass Player-
Setting?
BR-
I feel that's fairly much English.
Bass Player-
It's the same as I've always had out there.
BR-
What's with this, what's with the bending?
Bass Player-
I decided...
BR-(interrupting)
Who decided?
Bass Player-
I did.
BR-
Your deciding is wrong!
Bass Player-
I didn't do it on purpose. I...
BR-(interrupting again)
You're deciding what kind of phrasing. You're deciding who and
what the leader is. You're gonna watch who you wanna
watch...(turns to the rest of the band). Everybody's on two weeks
notice tonight. I'm telling you, everybody gets two weeks notice
tonight. I can't handle this anymore. You all...(pauses thoughtfully)
you're not my kind of people, at all. I don't understand this
fuckin' kind of music at all. I don't understand what anybody is
doing up there. I'm workin' my fuckin' ass off...(turns to a
trumpet player) You put that fuckin' mouthpiece into that
bell again, I'm gonna take your fuckin' horn and break it across
my knee! Do you understand that?
Trumpet Player-
I'll stay away, you can't hear a note though.
BR-
I can hear everything! I don't give a fuck what you hear. I hear
it, and all I know is that you're blowin' my fuckin' eardrum out!
(turns to the saxophones) The saxophones, you can play the
flute, there's no sound in flutes. All I hear is noise. If you
get any fuckin' closer you'll electrocute yourselves. What do you
think I got a man with a sound system out there for? Sit down and
play some fuckin' music! You afraid you won't be heard, is that
it? I'll turn the motherfucker off all of you, then see what kind
of a band you got up there, without all the assistance. You can't
play shit! I'm accustomed to working with number one musicians.
I'm not accustomed to working with half-assed fuckin' kids who
think they wrote the fuckin' music business. You got a long way
to go. You got a long way to go. Every one of you got a long
fuckin' way to go. Do you understand what I'm sayin'? You can't
play shit up there for me. What the fuck you're doin' up there
doesn't deserve to be called a "name" band. The fuckin'
kids out at the park there, they sounded fifty times
better than any one of you! And that's without a rhythm section.
Maybe they enjoy what they are doin' here. If you don't enjoy it
here, fuck you! And get off my band. Or we can find other ways to
settle it. I'm just so fuckin' tired of having to go through
speeches with you guys. You're all a bunch of fuckin' children.
There's not a man among you, not one man who can go out there and
play the job like a man. You're all up there, fuckin' high
school, bullshit jive artists. You jived me for the last fuckin'
time. You got two sets to make up your fuckin' mind or I get me
an all L.A. band tomorrow night. Don't think that's not
impossible. It's very fuckin' possible. I've had it with you
guys. I ought to give each one of you motherfuckers a cut in
salary before I get out of this fuckin' room!
(Exit Buddy, slamming the door behind him)